One of the more charming things about Japan is its hamburger situation. I bet you never thought I was going to say that. You didn’t get up today expecting to read an article about flame-broiled hamburgers in the land of raw fish de jour, yet here you are. Japan is a lot like that – unexpected twists and turns, and, remarkably, hamburgers around every corner. Just, nobody talks about it. There’s a whole hamburger shadow war going on in the Land of the Rising Sun that’s been happening for so long, that people just accept it. Japan is the Middle East of the hamburger conflict, and Tokyo is its Terahn.

The most common way the conflict manifests is through monthly hamburger specials that burger chains lob like grenades at innocent passers-by. McDonald’s has a fairly conservative monthly burger special. Maybe they’ll run some hamburgers that are dressed up to celebrate America: the Big Texas Burger with its barbecue sauce and fried onions, the California Burger with its lettuce, tomato, and mayonnaise, or the Idaho Burger, topped with… a hashbrown.

Mos Burger responds with hamburgers themed after characters from the popular anime series Sailor Moon featuring a half-moon-shaped sausage seasoned with hickory barbeque sauce and topped with a soft-boiled egg in between a focaccia bun.

DomDom Burger escalates the conflict by rolling out Crab Burgers featuring an entire medium-sized soft-shelled crab deep fried, topped with spicy sauce, and served with all the fixings…

Now, have you ever noticed that when things start really heating up that there’s always that one guy who seemingly can’t follow the rules? It always happens, every time. That one guy. Now, we all know that all is fair in love and war; and that includes wars of the fast food variety, but there are rules. Unwritten laws that nobody speaks of but everyone understands. It’s in the eyes, you can tell. There are lines you do not cross… but then there’s that one guy.

While everyone else is engaged in relatively safe skirmishes with burgers of the month or rotating themed menus, Burger King skips over minor gastronomically stressing flavor combinations, moving instead directly into chemical warfare.

In April, the King’s subjects play victim to, not one specialty “of-the-month” burger, but nine. That’s right, nine non-regular Japan-specific limited-edition hamburgers… at this time of year… at this time of day… in this part of the country… localized entirely within your neighborhood Burger King?

And yes, and you may see them. Actually, can see two because that’s all I tried. That’s all I had the stomach to try.

Of the nine options: the Double Cheddar Ugly Burger, the Cheese Ugly Burger, the Silky Ranch Mushroom Burger, the Silky Ranch Whopper, Jr., the Silky Ranch Double Mushroom Whopper, Mushroom Whopper, Mushroom Whopper, Jr., Double Mushroom Whopper, and Fake Burger, we chose the first and the last; the Double Cheddar Ugly, and Fake Burger, respectively.

THE FAKE BURGER

So-called because it’s not actually a burger, the Fake Burger arose from an April Fool’s joke that nobody apparently told BK they weren’t supposed to follow through on. Consisting of a pile of French fries topped with cheese and a smattering of barbecue sauce between two hamburger buns, the Fake Burger almost seems like it could serve as a poor man’s poutine. However, it tastes exactly like someone piled some fries on a bun, threw a slice of gouda cheese on it, splattered the remaining drizzle left in an old BBQ bottle they dug out of the fridge, then microwaved it all. A poor man might throw it back at you. Poutine this is not.

In all fairness, it was never meant to be. The burger is a joke take on a meatless offering and it tastes the same. I don’t think the vegans thought it was funny, either. Burger King’s accountant probably did, though. What’s really funny is that they got me to pay 350 yen for it.

THE DOUBLE CHEDDAR UGLY BURGER

This is not the Ugly Burger’s first go-around in Japan – it’s been here before. Burger King first rolled it out in 2020 and continues to randomly pull it out of their back pocket when they feel like being especially nasty to someone.

I chose it because I thought it might have a strong cheese taste, and I am a sucker for all things big and cheesy. When I first came to Japan I was very excited because, based on the pictures featured in restaurant menus, they seemingly put cheese over so very much of their food! I was wrong, and it turns out Japanese restaurants put egg over everything, but one learns to grow and adapt, doesn’t one?

Burger King’s Ugly Burgers are named that because of their bun, which features cheddar cheese baked into it. When toasted, it makes the bun look… well, ugly (although we would like to point out that beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. We’re sure the Ugly Burger Mama thinks the Double Ugly is a catch).

Opening up the wrapper, it’s nice to see that the description matches reality. This really is one ugly burger. Two meat patties swimming in four cheese slices, a healthy helping of pickles, catsup, and mustard make this a sandwich that only a king of burgers could love.

But the reality of food is that although plating is important, this is fast food. It’s going to look like someone threw it in the wrapper and maybe sat on it because perhaps they did. The real question is how does it taste.

The answer is unremarkable.

My entire time with the Double Cheddar Ugly was spent like a bad date. I was constantly regretting my choices and telling myself I could have done better. I wanted this burger to be a punch to the face. Something that made me say, “Wow!” and sent me running to the toilet approximately 45 minutes later knowing that I was in trouble but that those trots were worth it. They were not.

Now, I don’t want you to think that Burger King Japan is no good, because nothing could be further from the truth. In Japan’s burger wars, I’m a supporter of the King; I’ve had some really good hamburgers there. The mushroom burgers I mentioned earlier are great – I’ve had them before. But I wanted to try something new. And while Burger King steams a mean ham, the Fake Burger and Double Cheddar Ugly were more kitchen fire than Aurora Borealis.

That’s the great thing about trying something new: you never know. So go out there and know. Don’t just wait for me so that you don’t have to.